嘗試愛科大

這兩個星期我渡過了四個期中試, 一份功課和一個presentation... ...

我很高興, 不是因為我即將有一星期的復活節假; 而是這意未著下學期已經過了一半. 這個學期我很嘗試令自己''融入'' 科大讀書的氣氛, 嘗試愛自己被迫讀的科目. 我要令自己的心態改變: 下學期還有6個星期就快完, 三年大學共六個學期已經過了一點五份... ...

( 在我認識的同學當中, 沒有一個喜歡科大的大學生活. 可能是我們成績所以影響心情? 非也. 所謂''過三'' 的同學, 還有入'' 顛list" 一個學期拿了幾萬元獎學金的, 未至於憎恨亦未曾喜歡過科大. )


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之前用英文打的文章有少許補充:

我是一個頗主觀的人; 所以我每年也會咀咒他- 他要後悔一世, 他要為隱瞞自己的行為而一世自責... ... 所以我對一些著純白色恤衫襯純黑色褲/ 長中黑色粗硬頭髮/ 皮膚黑得像南亞人的男人有絕對偏見.

空閒的時候會想起, 好像是耶穌向我的報復. 小六的畢業營被老師親自個別灌輸基督教, 而且那時歡愉的氣氛令人更覺得信宗教的好. 回家告訴媽媽, 媽媽認為這個年紀應該對宗教維持觀望態度, 於是我又把自己抽離了基督教的懷抱.

過了兩三個月便發生了這件事... ... 是不是衪對我不忠心的懲罰? 如果這是個宗教人仕所謂"神的試驗", 這個神不要也罷!


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我有個幾''無知'' 的同學. 其實上個學期已經覺得她有一種十四五歲才有的''天真'', 有兩個同學因為她的天真無邪而沒有一起吃午飯.

她的語錄包括:

六合彩頭獎有幾注中, 每人可以分到五六百萬, 剛剛可以買層新樓.
"五百萬的樓點住得呀?"
原來有五百萬不需蝕息近一千呎市區樓是不住得人

" b+ab, a.y.k 的衫都唔係好靚妹啫! 係好靚妹咩... ..." 然後把嘴dood 長... ...
這樣的話zara, mango, benetton, sisley, fcuk 的衫一定是俾阿婆著.


"剝牙是大手術黎架喎!"
... ... 無言

如果無特別問題, 剝智慧齒可以半身麻醉, 可以望到個牙醫幫你剝緊隻牙...
" 下... 會架咩?會好似有得修眉咁俾你攞住塊鏡睇架咩???"
救命!

剝牙二

麻醉醫生叫我用力吸氣, 她便把口罩壓得愈緊... ...





好像剎那間, 有人拍拍我膊頭, 一把女人聲在我耳旁說: xxx, 做完手術喇! 我微微地睜開眼睛, 看到姑娘把被連手術袍掀開, 把我身上的貼紙撕去... ... 又聽到少訐牙醫與姑娘的對話... ...

又一瞬間, 感覺到口裡塞了一大舊東西, 牙肉又有強烈的刺痛感覺, 口裡積存了不少唾液混和血水, 有陣陣的血腥味... ...

不久, 有位姑娘很溫柔地為我拭眼淚, 原來我在哭... ... 給自己的飲泣聲弄醒了, 可能是幾個月的鬱結在無法自控之下發洩了出來... ...然後全身也在勯動, 尢其是大腿不由自主地震得那張床咯咯作響... ... 有人走過來問我凍不凍, 接著有兩個姑娘不斷把哄暖的被子往我身上蓋... ...

開始漸漸清醒, 很想看看時間, 不過全身也好像動彈不得... ... 不遠處有一把男人聲不斷說話, 我出盡力抬高手吸引人注意, 打算叫人叫他安靜一點, 原來那裡有一班人在上課! 我的頭痛得就快要裂 !

很想睡, 又不時被自己的唾液噎住... ... 又一把洪壯的男人聲和一個女護士講" prisonbreak" 和電影"月黑風高", 之後又講講" house"... ... 這些都是我愛看的電視劇, 雖然很想搭嘴, 不過那個時候只想他安靜一點... ...

聽到一位姑娘問另一個姑娘:"你吃左飯未呀?" 又原來已經一點了... ...







迷矇之間被推回病房, 口裡的棉花已經滲滿血, 有些血還弄髒了被子... ... 沿途的人都很好奇地望望.
左手背很不自在, 原來一直插著鹽水... ...

剝牙一

上星期二早上去了QE , 還以為早上立刻可以做手術, 然後下午可以回校上課。 走到H4 的病房門前被一位女護士長截住了, 告訴我去登記床位。 原來明早才動手術, 今天是做抽血, 驗尿等檢查, 還要分別見牙醫和麻醉兩位醫生。 護士長更再三跟我強調醫院的做法是很妥當, 確保一切無問題才會做手術。

我的廿二號床位靠近窗邊, 心想可以遠眺左敦景色也不錯, 感覺上少了大房的擠逼。十點已經待在床上無所事事, 事前不知道要留院, 就連都書無帶一本。不久來了一個女病人, 她也是做剝牙手術, 這位女病人很有趣, 容後再談談。 有個阿姐進來叫我們去見牙醫, QE的設計很特別, 要走上走落9曲十三彎, 中途見到一個穿白袍髮型很入時的年輕男子擦身而過, 才到了牙科診所門口。 在門口的長椅上又等了一個小時, 又照多次x-ray, 才被召入診所。 原來這個牙醫就是之前的年輕男子, 我以為他是一個普通實習的醫護人員! 他的說話很高竇但很惹笑, 還倚靠得病人很近般說話。

"你是不是讀hku的?
"是。
"我有個同學讀dental, 他很得閒的, 有時一星期只需返兩日學, 一日返兩三小時。呢家用緊problem-based learning....
" Problem-based learning 咪即係唔駛教!
"哈... ...

回到病房又是默默的等見麻醉醫生。 心想自己真折墮, 現在突然有一整天假又嫌悶。一點鐘阿嬸派飯; 味道很淡, 菜也好像蒸得太乾, 不過日日吃這些飯也好過吃大學裡的味精飯。病房的電視播著"都市閒情", 護士們在門外閒聊, 我有我看東方日報。 看完東方看間隔床位的八卦雜誌, 這樣就過了三四小時。 對面床的阿婆做完手術回來, 因為沒有除低褲被姑娘罵了一頓。

差不多五時, 還專心地看雜誌的我被一個年輕的麻醉醫生拍醒了。 問了一堆問題之後, 告訴我有貧血, 連我自己都不知道。她講解了手街的風險後, 又再等見一次牙醫。這個牙醫又來了親自為我抽血; 他在我右手找了很久才找到一絛血管, 一手很快速的把針筒裡的空氣打出來, 一手把針打在我手上, 令我有少少目定口呆。

D: " 嘩, 你的血管咁幼既, 你唔做運動架?
我: " 唔做架
D: " 家務都有做下掛
我: ............. =.= 都唔做架

我:" 做運動會血管粗d咩? 咁大隻佬咪好易抽?
D:" 係呀, 好似水渠咁大條架
我:" ..............=.=

兩分鐘也沒有血出,他便轉試打左手臂, 不過左手的血管更加幼。 他找血管也找了數分鐘... ...

D:" 你唔知自己有貧血架咩?
我:" 唔知喎
N:" 咁大個女都無捐過血架咩?
我:"............ 冇
D:" 佢D 血都冇人要啦... ... 抽幾百ml 先出得個10 ml... 哈哈哈
=.=

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第二天 7:30am回到病房,換好手術衫, 內裡一絲不掛, 又是躺在床上看看lecture notes, 做做功課等動手術。 醫院的床真的頗舒適, 又可以較高較低, 一定比dorm 的床好上幾倍。9時左右便被姑娘叫醒上手術床, 躺在這張很窄的床被推去手術室。推床的姑娘訢說了很多關於這行的行情, 完全與小學生夢想的白衣天使差得遠。 她也不是第一個姑娘叫後輩不要幹這行。

手術室有很多人, 聽見一個男人說:"咦! 19歲, 細路仔黎喎!" 首先有幾個人幫你過床, 然後有三四個student nurse 在你身上貼東西, 有張好凍的軟墊包著整隻右手, 左手手背插了一條兩吋長的軟管, 又聽見那個麻醉醫生說:" 嘩, D血管咁幼既!" 惹笑牙醫又走過來八掛。 面上蓋上一個口罩, 聽到醫生說會有些"脾 ", 立刻便有一股疼痛的感覺從手背衝上膊頭。

Memory

Bad memories from childhood is the most influential event in our lives.

Once it's brought back it felt like experiencing it once again.

What if I turned out to be thousands of other women who are like Jennifer Anniston? The incident cannot have such a large impact on me. It should be him, every year I cursed him.

For all these years, I knew what happened and I thought I had forgotten about it or say I tried so hard to forget about it. I only realized I had only blanked it out and gradually became unapproachable and cynical. And then you found out you unconsciously have changed into the way you want yourself to be in other people's mind. Things get so emotional when you unlocked the box once again, and transiting between how you actually are and how you wanted yourself to be. Tough, self-protected, emotional- sensitive.

In the last few days, I dont feel like eating at all. I am hungry but I cannot swallow. I am tired but I stare at the ceiling.

It doesnt look like a big deal to many people. Even I tell myself it is not a big deal; that is the way how I deal with it. You learned that things like that just happened. What unfortunate is you had never thought that would happen on you when it happened. Maybe this isnt an appropriate way to deal with it. Wish life is so simple to just unplug the USB.

Seeing from my mother's situation, maybe I need outside help, to check if I am ok or potentially risky. I cannot walk the same path. I cannot let it scars my life.

1st March

I had lunch with a few university classmates of mine, and we came to talk about dating. There was a guy who was so passive and shy and revealed a secret to us, that was he had tried to ask a girl out and told her about how he felt. It turned out to be funny because no one would have expected him to be that active when it came to this matter. We had some good laugh during lunch.

And then the conversation cannot get off my mind. I started to think about my life and my future, in my own perspective. Family and friends are also important, but I guess you have to take good care of yourself first before taking care of other stuff. Time passes so quickly sometimes I felt like I forgot about my personal life. It has been so long, so long... When you were in it, the good time was like flashes. Now I am stuck. Which way should I go? My inner voice who had guided me throughout the hard time has lost.

Is it good enough to just focus on studies? which are so plain and tasteless when they are not the most that interest you. They can be burning my youth, or bring me out of the loneliness. What have I been doing in the last semister? What did I get in return out of it? I got my grades, they are not brilliant but not bad. I cannot compete with the brilliant ones, knowing about my capabilities. That's all I remember from what happened in the last 6 months, because my free time has been taken away.

I stumbled across some quotes on the web:
" Try not to break someone's heart because it doesnt hurt less when yours was broken."

I really miss it.

It's time to move on, maybe someone and something out there is waiting.
BE STRONG! Refresh and Start over!